What to Say to a Grieving Parent

Stillbirth is the loss of a pregnancy after 20 weeks gestation. It’s a topic that no one wants to discuss but there are so many misconceptions around it. More discussion about it would help people understand what to say to a grieving parent. No one wants to think that a healthy pregnancy can end that far along, and without any warning, but it does happen. I know because it happened to me.

On July 2, 2021, our daughter Kaiya Grace, was stillborn. There was no indication that anything was wrong. She just stopped moving. Even after she was born, and all the tests came back, a cause could not be determined. The doctors’ best guess is that it was an umbilical cord accident.

When people go through a tragic event, family and friends try to comfort them, but there is no playbook of what to do. People do their best based on their own experiences and what they think would be comforting. However, let me tell you now- everyone says the wrong thing at some point. For the most part, a bereaved parent can see the intended meaning of comfort behind a remark but there are a few comments that just sting.

Below are things that I personally found to be hurtful and helpful. It’s not meant to make anyone feel guilty. My hope by sharing these is that it will help others through the grieving process, whether that is a bereaved parent or someone comforting them.

Things That Were Hurtful

There is nothing I can say to comfort you, so I won’t say anything– This is saying something and comes across as an attempt to free yourself from any kind of emotional responsibility. Sometimes less is more, so just leave it at “I am so sorry.”

You’ll have another one– There is no replacement for any child lost. Having another child will not take away the pain or the feeling that something is missing. In fact, another pregnancy means increased fear, anxiety, and doctor’s visits for the parents. This comment stings because there is no acknowledgment of the child, a real person, who was lost.

I can relate because (insert any event here)- Honestly, unless you have experienced stillbirth, you have no idea what it’s like. Comments like this usually stop the conversation in its tracks. Are we suddenly supposed to comfort the other person? Does this person really think that (said event) is like losing a child?

Pretending that nothing happened– Grieving parents do not need or expect anyone to cheer them up. It’s not like a bad breakup that we need to get over by partying and drinking over a weekend. It’s not a quick procedure that we recover from after a few uncomfortable moments and then forget it ever happened. There is a delivery and post-partum process to go through. Everything is the same as having a living baby, except you leave the hospital with a death certificate and footprints (and you usually leave the hospital behind a couple and their lively newborn, because the world is that cruel). We need people to acknowledge our grief and that it is here to stay. Grieving parents have to find a new way to interact with the world because things will never be the same.

Asking questions– There are many decisions that must be made regarding the delivery and burial and many, many factors that go into making those (i.e., gestational age, original birth plans, time since loss, resources at hospital, parent’s emotional state, finances, etc.). Just because you are friends or family of bereaved parents, does not entitle you to ask questions. It is up to the couple to decide what they do and do not want to share. With the information you do have, for the love of God, do NOT EVER make a comment about what you would or would not have done. You just need to thank God that you didn’t have to make those decisions. I can’t believe I have to say this, but bereaved parents do not need to be judged for their decisions!!!

Telling a grieving parent how they feel- Grief is a bitch and it is disorienting. I feel so many emotions but there are times when I feel numb. There are times when I mentally relive the whole trauma and feel paralyzed but other times, I cry and don’t know why. It’s not helpful to hear people say things like ‘I am sure you feel like you are missing something’ or ‘I know you are sad.’ These comments don’t describe my feelings and only make me feel worse for not having those feelings in the first place.

You are missing something that you really wanted– No! I am missing my daughter. She was real. Say her name.

Speculating what happened- The other comments I can understand but there is absolutely no excuse for this one! No one wonders what happened more than grieving parents. Mothers of a stillborn constantly question if they did something to cause it, like sleeping a certain way or eating the wrong thing. It makes me irate that people think it is o.k. to speculate what could have happened based on their antiquated or limited beliefs around pregnancy and loss. There are actual doctors who can’t tell us what happened. It makes my blood boil just even thinking about some of the comments people have made to try to rationalize what happened and think that would bring me comfort. I hope someday I can confront these people, but there are no guarantees they won’t be thunder punched in the throat.

Things That Were Helpful

Saying the child’s name– Grieving parents just want people to acknowledge their lost child. It is a person who lived, if only in the womb, was born, and buried. That is an entire life.

Saying “I am so sorry this happened”– This is simple but says a lot. Grieving parents want people to be angry at the universe with them. We want people to say, or just imply, that this was unfair and should have never happened.

Saying “I can’t imagine”- There are some events that are just so tragic, they are completely unfathomable until they happen to you. Like I said above, unless you have experienced stillbirth before, you can’t imagine. Don’t pretend to or try to compare.

Thoughtful gifts– People are quick to send gifts but I have a few thoughts on this. First, there are some things the grieving parents may want to design or buy themselves. Second, flowers are beautiful, but they only last a week. I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but there was something so upsetting to me about throwing out dead flowers. It was another reminder of something lost. Here are a few ideas of things I found to be helpful and incredibly thoughtful.

Anything with the child’s name– I can’t say it enough, grieving parents want people to acknowledge their child and say their name. I remember the first gift I received with Kaiya’s name and the appreciation I felt that someone was thoughtful enough to create that for me. I still feel that emotion every time I look at the necklace with Kaiya’s name and a water lily, the flower for her birth month. It’s hanging in my closet and makes me smile every time I see it.
DoorDash– Not having to think about meals was a Godsend. I had limited mobility due to physical discomfort and my husband didn’t want to leave my side if he didn’t have to. I was surprised by my appetite, usually, I don’t eat if I am distressed, but my body thought it had a tiny human to take care of and needed to store calories (another reminder of how cruel the universe can be).
Something that makes the world a better place– one of the most thoughtful gifts I received was a living tribute. Friends went in together and had a tree planted in the Sierra National Forest in California. Planting a tree not only makes the world a better place but also means that there is something in it that will live on. My husband and I hope to visit this national forest at some point.

Helping us pack– Some couples are just days away from bringing home their baby to a complete nursery. My husband and I had just started collecting baby things and it was hard enough to pack those up in addition to maternity clothes. Thank God we didn’t have the crib and stroller yet. Thankfully I had a friend who ran over to get things out of my house when I asked. I found this helpful to do right away. Other parents will need more time but when they’re ready, be willing to pack, paint, or do anything else they ask.

Sitting with us– Some of the most meaningful conversations I had with people didn’t involve words. They were the times that they just sat with me and cried. This can be delicate though. I also had people show up at my door with tissues in hand, expecting me to cry. These moments can’t be planned but you can be there to answer the call when a grieving parent needs someone to just sit with them until that dark moment passes.

Giving us time– Grief is here to stay. It moves in like an unwelcome guest and at times, leaves things a mess. I am so grateful for the people who ask us how we are truly doing and give us space to find our new normal, while still treating us like regular people (like inviting us to things and meeting up for dinner).